Direct link: “A Challenge for Rosie” by Selene Luna

I’m an actress, comic, and burlesque artist who happens to be a little person. I’m also a Mexican woman, but the greatest form of discrimination I endure on a regular basis is purely about my short stature. My father never failed to remind me that I am a fighter and survivor, so I do not subscribe to victim mentality, as it accomplishes nothing. In fact, I have a sense of humor about my situation and created a stand-up comedy career around it. Nonetheless, I believe when people do wrong, they should be held accountable.

Recently, Rosie O’Donnell made bigoted comments about little people on The Rosie Show. I hear cruel comments about little people all the time, and it usually rolls off me. If I cared what people thought of me, I wouldn’t be in showbiz. But Rosie’s comments struck a chord with me because I expected more from an intelligent, lesbian, female comic who has experienced hate and discrimination as much as someone like me. I was hoping Rosie would do the admirable thing and take responsibility for her comments, so I wrote her a letter, challenging her to an interview on her TV show. I sent the letter directly to The Rosie Show‘s executive producer. To date, I’ve yet to receive a response, so I decided to publish my letter on The Huffington Post, because a response to irresponsible prejudice deserves equal time in the media.

Before I share the letter, I’d like to share one of my favorite quotations, from Catherine Biden, mother of Vice President Joe Biden: “No one is better than you. Everyone is your equal, and everyone is equal to you.”

Dear Rosie,

You may not remember meeting me with Margaret Cho back in ’07 in NYC. I’m the little person who was a featured burlesque act in Margaret’s Sensuous Woman show.

I was overwhelmed with hurt and disappointment by your recent comment, “I’m a little ashamed about it … [but] I have a mild fear or anxiety around little people.” I realize little people are an easy target because there simply aren’t a lot of little people in the world; we’re not a significant voice to contend with. You were someone I admired and revered as a female comic and champion for equality. The irony is that you are a gay woman with first-hand experience in the battle for equality. I have come to your defense countless times when I’ve encountered people in the entertainment business who criticize you, and boy you sure made me look like a fool.

The issue is not that you have this warped opinion about little people. I think everyone should be free to have any ignorant, private thoughts they please, including me. However, you were so cavalier in sharing such a bigoted sentiment on a large public platform, making a momentous contribution to intolerance. You would never get away with saying, “Black men scare me” in a public forum. This only confirms you actually believe little people are subhuman and do not deserve the common courtesy and respect you would give a stranger. I find it most disturbing that you may be raising your children with this mentality.

We are living in a hate-filled age when, for the first time in history, people are fighting hate, but your willingness to degrade someone for being different only contributes to the prejudice. That said, I do not believe you are the problem; society at large shares your narrow views about little people, and about anyone born different, for that matter.

If you have any bit of sisterhood left in you, I’d like to challenge you to an interview on your show. I would like the opportunity to show you and your audience that people like me actually have a heart, soul, and mind. Perhaps, together we can turn a bad thing into a good thing.

Very truly yours,
Selene Luna

Selene Luna will be performing in New York City on March 31. Click here for more information.

This is a very fun interview I did for France’s very own The Poubelle Twins!  We dished about burlesque, comedy, showbiz & our shared past!

LISTEN HERE:  The Official Pou-cast of the Poubelle Twins

Velvet Hammer Burlesque Holiday Show. Selene Luna with the Poubelle Twins (circa: long time ago)

Regardless of your beliefs, the Holiday season should be enjoyed by all!  I acknowledge that it’s the one time of year when people stress like chickens without their heads, but it’s also the sweetest time of year, where people go out of their way to show appreciation for others.  I embrace this time of year because it’s an opportunity to let go of the year’s challenges and celebrate your good fortune.  The simple things: roof over your head, shirt on your back, good parking, friends, family, pets, whatever it is that keeps you from giving up when times are tough.  Even if you’re alone, it’s an opportunity to kick off your heels and treat yourself to mediocre TV, bed rest and pampering yourself for surviving yet another year.  You earned it, sister!

What I love most about Christmas culture are the rich foods and grog that bring me tremendous comfort and joy!  I must confess, with the exception of my bosom, as a little person, my body hasn’t changed since third grade so I can eat whatever I want.  In your face, tall people!  I suppose that’s the least Karma can grant me.  One of my favorite Holiday munchies are rum balls.  If you were born pre-80s, then you know what I’m talkin ’bout!  As a child of the 70s, I fondly remember batches of rum balls at every family Christmas shindig, along with all the old-timey fire hazards.  The spread was always consistent; rum balls, tamales, ambrosia salad, buñelos, ham, 7-UP with maraschino cherries, and frijoles–the official Mexican-American Holiday buffet.

Rum balls were the “It” Holiday treat and made us kids feel like we too were having a “cocktail” as we puffed on our bubble gum cigarettes.  This year I decided to bring back a retro family tradition and “cook” a huge batch of rum balls.  I wrote “cook” in quotes because it is an easy no-bake recipe that a kitchen novice can whip up with sophisticated results.  Rum balls make the perfect host gift or treat for your guests!

Here is the recipe I used by doing a random search on the onlines:

You may want to iron your tablecloth before photographing it (oops)

RUM BALLS-BIG BATCH

Stir vanilla wafer crumbs, nuts, confectioner’s sugar and unsweetened cocoa. Starting with half the quantity of rum and half the corn syrup, Gradually stir in liquids, adding a little at a time.

Stir together and check the consistency. When you can roll the mixture into a 1 inch ball, don’t add any more rum or syrup. You may not need to add the full amount called for in the recipe. (This is because some cocoa brands contain more cornstarch or other fillers than others which absorb the liquids).

Add citrons (optional) and stir until well blended.

Shape into 1 inch balls.

Roll in either coconut or jimmies (I used various colored sugar crystals and nuts, in addition to coconut and jimmies.)

Makes approximately 9 dozen.

PLEASE DON’T MISS MY HOLIDAY SHOW with the hilarious Steve Young opening!

JACKIE BEAT (photo by Austin Young)

Jackie Beat, world famous drag superstar is one of my best friends, stage mother and former vaudeville roommate. If you know her like I do, then you know her life mantra is, “Dogs make life worth living.”

Jackie’s “babies” are teeny tiny pooches Lil Sis

and Baby, who get her through the tough times, especially vaudeville life!  Showbiz is all smoke and mirrors but Lil Sis and Baby don’t care for the bells and whistles, they’re only interested in giving their mama all the love they can muster.

As of late, Lil Sis and Baby have been having sensitivity problems with their teeth, so I made these kooky little critters a special batch of soft dog treats, Apple Pupcakes!

Apple Pupcakes

1 apple – peeled, cored and shredded

1/2 cup applesauce

2 eggs

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup rolled oats

1 teaspoon baking powder

Pupcakes!

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line a 12 cup muffin pan with paper liners.

In a large bowl, mix together the apple,  applesauce, eggs and olive oil. Combine the whole wheat flour, oats, and baking powder; stir by hand into the wet ingredients until well blended. Spoon into the prepared muffin cups.

Bake for 15 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the tops of the muffins spring back when lightly pressed. Cool completely before serving.

Recipe Yield 12 pupcakes

Brawnie’s the medium-sized caramel cutie & Gudrun’s the little cream-colored girl. (photo courtesy of Ken Phillips Publicity Group, Inc.)

One of the dearest and most influential people in my life is actor/comedian Margaret Cho.  Margaret is dear to me because of her tender heart, especially when she’s around dogs; they turn her to mush!  This funny lady’s sensitive qualities speak volumes of her character, which is exactly the type of individual I cherish.

Margaret’s an especially sweet mom to her scrappy big-hearted pups Brawnie and Gudrun.  I was a bit scared of Brawnie and Gudrun when we first met because they freak out whenever someone rings the doorbell.  As a little lady, I don’t do well with loud crazy barking; it makes me nervous and puts me on guard.

It’s been several years since I’ve met Brawnie and Gudrun and we’re totally copasetic with each other now.  We have an understanding that involves a lot of petting and cuddling. 

A twist on my previous blog’s vegetarian biscuit recipe

Beef biscuits with mashed potato frosting!

1 c finely crushed dried bread crumbs
1 c unbleached whole wheat flour
1 c wheat germ
1/4 c soy milk
1 1/2 tsp brewers yeast
1 cup beef stock

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Lightly grease or use parchment paper to line 2 cookie sheets or baking trays

2.in large bowl using fork or wire whisk blend the bread crumbs, flour, wheat, soy milk and yeast.

3. using a fork make an indentation in the center of the dry mix and add 1 cup of stock.

4. using a large spoon, spatula or your hands blend together until the mixture pulls away from the sides of the bowl and forms a soft dough. If the mixture seems dry, add a little stock one tbsp at a time.

5. turn the dough onto a lightly floured flat surface, and using a rolling pin roll out 1/4 inch thick. Use a cookie cutter to cut out as many cookies as you can, reworking the scraps as you go. The dough will become stiff as it’s reworked.

6. place cookies side by side on cookie sheets. bake for 20-25 mins or until the cookeis appear very dry and the edges are a light golden brown. remove trays from oven and cool to room temperature. turn off oven.

7. when cookies have cooled completely, put all of them on a single baking tray and return to the cooling oven. Leave undisturbed without opening oven door for 8 to 16 hours (this dries them out and allows for long term storage)

Makes approx 98 cookies (Makes 98 cookies on another planet, not here!)

Margaret Cho – Hey Big Dog – featuring Fiona Apple

More of my favorite homemade dog treats here:

Weezer Pups Peanut & Calvin. WOOF!

I’m a Pet Lover Lover

This week I baked treats for Peanut & Calvin, my pals Jillian Lauren & Scott Shriner’s doggies.  Jillian & Scott are a dynamic duo whose careers take them away from home more than Peanut & Calvin would like.

Jillian and I go back a ways, we once shared the stage as members of the Velvet Hammer Burlesque.  Jillian has since hung her tassels and became a New York Times best-selling author with her memoir Some Girls, and Scott’s a full-time rock star playing bass with the band Weezer.

Jillian’s jetting off soon to promote her latest novel Pretty and Scott’s rockin’ away somewhere, so I baked extra special treats for Peanut & Calvin to bring them comfort while “mom” & “dad” are away.

This was my first time making Vegetarian biscuits and working with “icing”, which I made with instant mashed potatoes and food coloring.  From what I read on the net (so it must be true), food coloring is safe for dogs in small doses.  I need more practice with food coloring, I did not like the icing colors I ended up with, however, the biscuits look and smell very appetizing.

Vegetarian Biscuits

click image to enlarge

1 c finely crushed dried bread crumbs
1 c unbleached whole wheat flour
1 c bulgar wheat (I couldn’t find bulgar wheat so I substituted with quinoa)
1/4 c soy milk
1 1/2 tsp brewers yeast
1 cup vegetable stock

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Lightly grease or use parchment paper to line 2 cookie sheets or baking trays

2.in large bowl using fork or wire whisk blend the bread crumbs, flour, wheat, soy milk and yeast.

3. using a fork make an indentation in the center of the dry mix and add 1 cup of stock.

4. using a large spoon, spatula or your hands blend together until the mixture pulls away from the sides of the bowl and forms a soft dough. If the mixture seems dry, add a little stock one tbsp at a time.

5. turn the dough onto a lightly floured flat surface, and using a rolling pin roll out 1/4 inch thick. Use a cookie cutter to cut out as many cookies as you can, reworking the scraps as you go. The dough will become stiff as it’s reworked.

6. place cookies side by side on cookie sheets. bake for 20-25 mins or until the cookeis appear very dry and the edges are a light golden brown. remove trays from oven and cool to room temperature. turn off oven.

7. when cookies have cooled completely, put all of them on a single baking tray and return to the cooling oven. Leave undisturbed without opening oven door for 8 to 16 hours (this dries them out and allows for long term storage)

Makes approx 98 cookies (I did not remotely get 98 cookies, perhaps my cookie cutters were too big).

Jillian & Scott's adorable son, Tariku.

“I’m a Pet Lover Lover“

]]> http://seleneluna.com/site/?feed=rss2&p=1699 0 http://seleneluna.com/site/?p=1668 http://seleneluna.com/site/?p=1668#comments Thu, 01 Sep 2011 05:00:54 +0000 selene http://seleneluna.com/site/?p=1668 I don’t have a pet but if I did, it would be a dog.  It’s not the right time for me to have one so I get my fix from my friends’ dogs.  I’m a Lover of Pet Lovers; it’s like being an aunt with even less responsibility.  I also love being in the kitchen, [...]]]>

I don’t have a pet but if I did, it would be a dog.  It’s not the right time for me to have one so I get my fix from my friends’ dogs.  I’m a Lover of Pet Lovers; it’s like being an aunt with even less responsibility.  I also love being in the kitchen, so what better reason to get creative in the kitchen, than baking dog treats for my furry nieces & nephews.  It’s a relaxing pressure-free baking experience, cause lets face it folks, dogs eat their own shit, the bar’s low.

Yesterday I made a Peanut Butter Carrot Cake for my sweet ragtag Muppet friend, Joanie, affectionately referred to as the World’s Most Incredible Dog, she’s Boomer-adjacent.  I met Joanie through one of my besties Mario Diaz who lives with her.

I had a lot of fun making this cake.  Usually, when I bake homemade dog treats, the not so sweet ingredients like chicken stock make it not so appetizing, but this cake was appetizing from beginning to end.

Here’s the recipe I used and a photo of Joanie’s cake:

Peanut Butter Carrot Cake

Naturally sweet, colorful & flavorful!

1 cup flour

1tsp baking soda

1/4 cup peanut butter

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1 cup shredded carrots

1 tsp. vanilla

1/3 cup honey

1 egg

Mix flour and baking soda. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into greased 8″ round cake pan and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Let cool. Puree cottage cheese* in blender for icing. Decorate with more peanut butter and carrots

*I didn’t have cottage cheese so I used peanut butter for icing, which works out fine because I feel uneasy feeding dairy to dogs.

Mario loves Joanie

One usually cringes, myself included, at the sound of “one-woman show” or “solo show”.  The one-person genre of theater has generated a stigma of painfully long and predictable monologues where the performer works out self-indulgent therapy.  In my early years, I too was guilty of this (gulp), but all performers evolve with practice

Last night I caught Mother Tongue, a one-woman show that challenged my know-it-all-attitude towards solo shows.  Under the seasoned direction of Robert Cucuzz, Jillian Lauren’s Mother Tongue is 10 steps ahead of the game.

I’m reluctant to tell you exactly what Mother Tongue is about because watching this piece unfold is what kept me at the edge of my seat all night.  I will say it’s about the adoption experience, which after seeing this show, I now understand how little I understand.  Jillian Lauren’s writing, character development, acting and singing took me on an unpredictable ride of highs and lows.  Mother Tongue is EXACTLY what a solo show should be!

FINAL PERFORMANCE TONIGHT!
Put down that remote control/laptop and support gut wrenching laugh out loud theater for ONLY $10!

MOTHER TOUNGE

written & performed by JILLIAN LAUREN
New York Times best-selling author (Some Girls: My Life in a Harem)

directed by ROBERT CUCUZZ

Wednesday, July 13, 2011 at 8:00 PM
The Steve Allen Theater at The Center For Inquiry
4773 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90027
Phone: (323) 666-4268
Website: http://www.steveallentheater.com/

As a Mexican, there is not an ounce of golf playing DNA in my entire being but as a kid, I fantasized about being an old school comic on the Bob Hope Classic Golf Tournament.  I guess dreams (sorta) come true; I’m performing at the first annual Maine Comedy Festival & Golf Tournament. The line-up is modern-day top notchery!

If you’re on the east coast this summer, this is the place to be: http://mainecomedyfest.com/

15% DISCOUNT Laugh & Stay Resort Packages Friends & Family Discount
Limited time offer, must reserve by June 20th
To reserve your stay during Maine Comedy Festival weekend
please call The Bethel Inn Resort at (800) 654-0125 and refer to
“Maine Comedy Fest, Friends/Family Deal”
to receive your 15% discount.
CALL TODAY!

$15-25 OFF Golf Tournament Registration Friends & Family Discount
Register online for the Celebrity Charity
Maine Comedy Festival Golf Tournament
and use this PROMO CODE: “MAWF2011″
CLICK HERE TO REGISTER ONLINE!

and get $15-25 OFF Your Registration
ALL proceeds go to Make A Wish Foundation of Maine

Selene Luna’s

Callin It Out

“Callin It Out” (Ultra Calpernia Mix) available on iTunes
“Callin It Out” (Mexi Mix) available on iTunes

Performed by Selene Luna
Written & Composed by Calpernia Addams

Directed by William Butler
Lawrence Elbert , Director of Photography
Dave Matherly , Digital Effects Artist
Peter Garcia, Producer
Steven Jaworski, Producer

Make-up by John Stapleton
Hair by Judd Minter
Wardrobe by Charlie Altuna & Jany Stanley

FEATURING:
Calpernia Addams
Jackie Beat
Nadya Ginsburg
Drew Droege
Sam Pancake
Mario Diaz
Brendan Lamb
Abercrombie & Fitch’s James Flook (a.k.a. James Preston)

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS to Aaron Strongoni and the entire production team at Transition Entertainment and to everyone who donated their time, muscle, energy, love and support.  We could not have done it without YOU!

“Callin It Out” lyrics
written by Calpernia Addams

Mmmpf
Whaaaa?!
Mmm Mmm

When I spy
with my little eye
You best believe bitch, Whaaa?!
I’m callin it out!

Mmm Mmm
I’m callin it out.
Whaa?! Whaaa!?

Bad Breath
Hairy Back
Man Hands
Dog Face

You don’t know me; I do what I want
Judge me bitch; I’ll put you on blast
You don’t know me; I do what I want
Judge me bitch; I’ll put you on blast

Mmm Mmm
Whaa?! Whaaa!?

If there’s any little thing that you think I don’t see
You best believe bitch, Whaaa?!
I’m callin it out!

Mmm Mmm
I’m callin it out.
Whaa?! Whaaa!?

Lady Fingers
Can’t Dance
Mismatched outfit
Can’t sing

When I spy
with my little eye
You best believe bitch, Whaaa?!
I’m callin it out!

Mmm Mmm
I’m callin it out.
Whaa?! Whaaa!?

Baby Puncher
Crimped Hair
Life Style
Special Needs

Whaaa!?
I’m callin it out.

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